SENSITIZE ©

one for sorrow
By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2007. All Rights Reserved.

• i saw a magpie
  hugging the riverbank this morning
  fighting as it flew against a gale
  nestward-bound no doubt
  to some high stripped tree branch
  or maybe Derry City's Walls
  i looked for a second
  but just saw the one
  
  so, one for sorrow
  if these are my signing off words
  i'm glad we had our battles and i
  hate those fucking birds...

Good one, Lugh. Moving poem.

Couple of tiny editing points. These are JUST opinions, so feel free to disagree totally.

If you aren't even capitalising 'i', then I wouldn't capitalise Derry City Walls. Even if you decide that has to be capitalised, I would just capitalise Derry City, not its walls. Possibly. Personally, I would put it all in lower case. Even change the wording to derry's walls. Simpler. (Which often means better in poetic terms.)

Last line first stanza: 'but saw just the one' reads more naturally for me than your 'but just saw the one'. Both are correct. Which one you use depends entirely on which feels more natural to your way of speaking.

First line second stanza, I don't think you need 'so'. It's stronger without. I would have 'one for sorrow' on a standalone line, and then, after a gap, the last three lines.

delph_ambi wrote:Good one, Lugh. Moving poem.

Couple of tiny editing points. These are JUST opinions, so feel free to disagree totally.

If you aren't even capitalising 'i', then I wouldn't capitalise Derry City Walls. Even if you decide that has to be capitalised, I would just capitalise Derry City, not its walls. Possibly. Personally, I would put it all in lower case. Even change the wording to derry's walls. Simpler. (Which often means better in poetic terms.)

Last line first stanza: 'but saw just the one' reads more naturally for me than your 'but just saw the one'. Both are correct. Which one you use depends entirely on which feels more natural to your way of speaking.

First line second stanza, I don't think you need 'so'. It's stronger without. I would have 'one for sorrow' on a standalone line, and then, after a gap, the last three lines.

Hi Delph. I have made all but one of the editing changes you recommended above and have to agree they give the piece a more fluidic and rounded feel. I will attempt a few practice performances and then get back to you.

Re; the form of 'but just saw the one' feels more natural to my accent/dialect and lilt when speaking.

Nice one mate ...

one for sorrow
By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2007. All Rights Reserved.
Editor - Catherine Edmunds.

• i saw a magpie
  hugging the riverbank this morning
  fighting as it flew against a gale
  nestward-bound no doubt
  to some high stripped tree branch
  or maybe derry's walls
  i looked for a second
  but just saw the one
  
  one for sorrow
  
  if these are my signing off words
  i'm glad we had our battles and i
  hate those fucking birds...