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Tin Can Man by Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2005 / 2007
Posted: Tue Feb 13, 2007 5:47 am
by Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
tin can man
By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2005 / 2007. All Rights Reserved.
four fifty-nine am
the tin can man
as I've come to call him
is making a racket
in the carpark below
he stamps on the empties
angrily crushing them
under his boot.
ranting to gulls about god.
silly sod. like they'd know!
who knows?
maybe he's right.
maybe he has answers
to deep rooted questions
we all should be asking...
Quick request of danimik and delph_ambi.
I first began writing this poem (Tin Can Man) back in 2005 and it later inspired me to write a short screenplay called; The Groundsmen which is now sadly lost somewhere deep in the depths of Dome 2.
That screenplay was about bi-polar depression and many of the misunderstandings concerning the condition. I also lost the finalised version of the poem up above.
Mike (danimik), you might remember the work I put into this and hopefully you recall how you assisted me with the structuring.
I would be grateful to you and Delph if you gave me a few pointers on the salvaged version up above please. Are there any suggestions either of you can make on the piece to tease it out further and perhaps make it more impacting?
Thanks in advance...
Posted: Tue Feb 20, 2007 7:01 pm
by Catherine Edmunds
This one's very familiar. I'm sure I've made suggestions before. However, here are some new ones.
First of all, I did a little digging on Dome2, and found an older version. It had an additional stanza at the end. Didn't need it. This is tighter. (I only found it because someone had quoted it in a response; the original was no longer there.)
I would make one or two small alterations. First stanza: I would start the second line with 'and'. Then I'd drop the third line. Obviously this is what you call him, as this is what you've just called him, so I think you don't need to say as much.
Second stanza, I'd drop 'angrily'. He's stamping, he's crushing cans under his boot, which is an aggressive action, so he's clearly not thinking about sweetness and light. I would join the second and third lines ('crushing them under his boot') to make this a four line stanza. I'd also insert 'old' between silly and sod. Simply sounds better. Easier to read out loud.
Third stanza, I would drop 'who knows?' because I don't like the repetition of 'know' from the end second stanza. For the last line, I would re-instate 'all of us need to ask' from the earlier version, rather than 'we all should be asking...'. I think it's stronger, and it gives you the rhyme with 'deep', so flows well from the previous line. Much better rhythm too.
Thus with my suggested revisions, you have:
four fifty-nine am
and the tin can man
is making a racket
in the carpark below
he stamps on the empties
crushing them under his boot.
ranting to gulls about god.
silly old sod. like they'd know!
maybe he's right.
maybe he has answers
to deep rooted questions
all of us need to ask.
Posted: Wed Feb 21, 2007 11:40 pm
by Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
delph_ambi wrote:This one's very familiar. I'm sure I've made suggestions before. However, here are some new ones.
First of all, I did a little digging on Dome2, and found an older version. It had an additional stanza at the end. Didn't need it. This is tighter. (I only found it because someone had quoted it in a response; the original was no longer there.)
I would make one or two small alterations. First stanza: I would start the second line with 'and'. Then I'd drop the third line. Obviously this is what you call him, as this is what you've just called him, so I think you don't need to say as much.
Second stanza, I'd drop 'angrily'. He's stamping, he's crushing cans under his boot, which is an aggressive action, so he's clearly not thinking about sweetness and light. I would join the second and third lines ('crushing them under his boot') to make this a four line stanza. I'd also insert 'old' between silly and sod. Simply sounds better. Easier to read out loud.
Third stanza, I would drop 'who knows?' because I don't like the repetition of 'know' from the end second stanza. For the last line, I would re-instate 'all of us need to ask' from the earlier version, rather than 'we all should be asking...'. I think it's stronger, and it gives you the rhyme with 'deep', so flows well from the previous line. Much better rhythm too.
Thus with my suggested revisions, you have:
four fifty-nine am
and the tin can man
is making a racket
in the carpark below
he stamps on the empties
crushing them under his boot.
ranting to gulls about god.
silly old sod. like they'd know!
maybe he's right.
maybe he has answers
to deep rooted questions
all of us need to ask.
Hi Delph...
Thanks for taking the time out to review this piece. It definitely needed your editing skills. However, I'm not sure if I'm happy with the last line and think it would read better (sounds better) if it was; 'all of us should ask.' I've got people calling here soon, so will make the changes tomorrow.
Nice one
...
Posted: Thu Feb 22, 2007 12:01 am
by Catherine Edmunds
I think that last line is simply a question of one's own natural speech rhythms, Lugh. Obviously go with what works best for you.
Posted: Thu Feb 22, 2007 2:57 am
by Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
delph_ambi wrote:I think that last line is simply a question of one's own natural speech rhythms, Lugh. Obviously go with what works best for you.
Cheers Delph
...
Tin Can Man. By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2005 / 2007
Posted: Thu Feb 22, 2007 3:01 am
by Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
tin can man
By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2005 / 2007. All Rights Reserved.
Editor - Catherine Edmunds.- four fifty-nine am
and the tin can man
is making a racket
in the carpark below
he stamps on the empties
crushing them under his boot.
ranting to gulls about god.
silly old sod. like they'd know!
maybe he's right.
maybe he has answers
to deep rooted questions
all of us should ask...
Posted: Sat Feb 24, 2007 11:29 am
by Mike Daniels
Late to the party as usual - its all about making an entrance, you know.
I'd suggest removal of the gerunds...its an old saw, I know, and not always appropriate, but they do have a habit of slowing things down and removing tension from a piece.
four fifty-nine am
and the tin can man
makes a racket
in the carpark below
he stamps on the empties,
crushes them under his boot,
rants to gulls about god.
silly old sod. like they'd know!
maybe he's right.
maybe he has answers
to deep rooted questions
all of us should ask...
Can't think of anything else at present
Mike
Posted: Sat Feb 24, 2007 1:50 pm
by Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
danimik wrote:Late to the party as usual - its all about making an entrance, you know.
I'd suggest removal of the gerunds...its an old saw, I know, and not always appropriate, but they do have a habit of slowing things down and removing tension from a piece.
four fifty-nine am
and the tin can man
makes a racket
in the carpark below
he stamps on the empties,
crushes them under his boot,
rants to gulls about god.
silly old sod. like they'd know!
maybe he's right.
maybe he has answers
to deep rooted questions
all of us should ask...
Can't think of anything else at present
Mike
Hi Mike
...
Welcome back mate and thanks for your feedback on
Tin Can Man too. Yes, the changes you have recommended for it, make it more effective and fluidic. I will incorporate them into the next edit and add you to the credits along with Delph as an Editor.
You do realise that that absolute cad; Spacecadet Dave is up to all sorts of bedivilment on here? I'm at my wit's end with both him and Marmite. Not sleeping at night and waking whenever I do, I'm screaming:-
"It's all Dave's fault!"
And:
"Feckin' Marmite..!"
This was highly embarrassing on the bus into town the other day. When I mentioned 'Marmititus' everyone else shrieked and ducked under their seats. One even dived through a window. Strange carry-on
...
He (Dave) also edited my photograph and implied I like the horrid substance.
So.., what am I saying with all of this?
Oh yes, that's it.
I'll give you a tenner if you write a poem about Marmititus, that satisfies Dave's fiendish appetite and abhorent pleasure for the terrible stuff and quells this latest outbreak. I'm firmly convinced that like Golum in the Lord Of The Rings stories, Dave is actually a decent sort that's been turned into an advert executive for this dark and dreadful vegetarian goo. I believe that, if subjected to enough poetry he will crack and become sane...
Oh yeah. Guinness have merged with Marmite to make a crossover hybrid. Dreadful affair. Nothing, and I mean
nothing, is safe anymore...
For further details on just how delirious Dave has become, and how mad Guinness are becoming, go to the
Dear Dave thread and see for yourself.
They're all mad I tellz ya.
M A D
..!
Tin Can Man. By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2005 / 2007
Posted: Sat Feb 24, 2007 3:41 pm
by Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
tin can man
By Louis P. Burns aka Lugh © 2005 / 2007. All Rights Reserved.
Editors - Catherine Edmunds & Mike Daniels.
- four fifty-nine am
and the tin can man
makes a racket
in the carpark below
he stamps on the empties,
crushes them under his boot,
rants to gulls about god.
silly old sod. like they'd know!
maybe he's right.
maybe he has answers
to deep rooted questions
all of us should ask...