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Posted: Mon Jun 02, 2008 2:36 am
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Hi AmandhiAmandhi wrote:A Requiem for Icarus
By Amanda Koser
His hopes were to sail
Beyond the pale
To surpass the vast and
Cavernous skies.
To dream of a different sunset,
To taste a merciful fruit
And bear witness,
To the potential of man.
It was an insatiable hunger,
The flames displayed.
The magnitude of a
Deviant sun.
The insufferable intensity
Of melted moments
That seemed to build
An arpeggiated agitation
Towards the inevitable climax
Of a magnificent descend.
How careless the currents
Can be with a father’s child.
A sorrowful progression
Of gusts that sweep and shove
And finally
Evaporate.
Recognized…
This opus, a dedication
To one, whose memory
Soars higher then
What his laden wings could carry.
I really like this poem. The content one of many themes that have held me captivated for more years than I care to mention lol.
I was a little thrown by one or two lines in it though. In your second stanza/verse, the last word of the last line. Should that be 'descent' instead of 'descend'?
The last two lines threw me a bit too. I may be reading it wrong and if that is the case then I'm sorry but, wouldn't it be better if 'then' was 'than' and you dropped the first word of the last line 'What'?
These are just my thoughts and recommendations of course and you are absolutely free to keep them as they are. Delph_ambi (Catherine Edmunds) worked tirelessly with me as an editor on my own poetry and I picked up many skills and tips (which I'm still trying out) along the way. Please understand this is not a criticism of your poem because as I said earlier, the content alone is a theme that would beg I read this work and the structuring is magnificent.
Marvellous intro Amandhi
...Peace and all best wishes ...