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Post by Sergi the snail »

the_leander wrote:Think you engineering types might like this one...
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)
Scientists at Roll Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, and military jets, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from
a bow.
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost the chicken."
This is reminding me of a story i heard about NASA
When the first Astronauts were sent into spade NASA spent Several million dollars developing a pen that would be able to write in zero gravity a huge amount of time was spent getting the right ink which would flow in a no gravity situation and the little ball to let the ink out was made out of some super alloy that could withstand the big changes in temperature that you find in space, after all that work the pens were said to be 50% effective

The russains used a pencil
it worked 100% of the time
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Post by Louis P. Burns aka Lugh »

Why didn't they just turn the heating on and write with their fingers on the misted up glass?

Pencils cost money..! :P
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Post by joanne chapman »

Paddy Murphy and Paddy Mahoney were walking home from a pub, as drunk as drunk could be. Singing at the top of their voices. As they turned the corner they walked straight into the path of a policeman.

He asked their names and they told him. He said 'you boys are drunk and disorderly, what are your addresses'.

Paddy Murphy said 'I am of no fixed abode'. He turned to Paddy Mahoney and asked him for his address, he replied 'Upstairs to him'.
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Post by Louis P. Burns aka Lugh »

jo wrote:Paddy Murphy and Paddy Mahoney were walking home from a pub, as drunk as drunk could be. Singing at the top of their voices. As they turned the corner they walked straight into the path of a policeman.

He asked their names and they told him. He said 'you boys are drunk and disorderly, what are your addresses'.

Paddy Murphy said 'I am of no fixed abode'. He turned to Paddy Mahoney and asked him for his address, he replied 'Upstairs to him'.
Oh Christ, not Mahoney & Murphy again..!

They once got a job out in Saudi Arabia, digging ditches. I heard they were chatting while working out there on the 17th March and the conversation went something like this:-

Mahoney:
  • "By feck Mr. Murphy! It's the 17th of March! It's St. Patrick's Day"..!
Murphy:
  • "Oh by Jazuz you're right there Mr. Mahoney! Happy St. Paddy's Day to ya mate"...
Mahoney:
  • "And a Happy St. Paddy's to you as well Mr. Murphy.
  • They both stop working and shake hands with each other. Then they sip some water and look around the scorching hot desert.
Mahoney (continued):
  • Just think. Back home they'll be drinkin' and eatin' and shoutin' and singin'! They'll be waving their shamrocks and having a ball"...
  • Murphy leans on his shovel and wipes the sweat from his forehead with his sleeve.
Murphy:
  • "Aye, they will indeed Mr. Mahoney. They will indeed! Jazuz, they're getting great weather for it too"..!
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
Administrator, editor & owner of the Sensitize © online community of forums and domain for artists, e-poets, filmmakers, media/music producers and writers working through here. To buy the Kindle book of Illustrated Poetry, Sensitize © - Volume One / Poems that could be Films if they were Funded by myself with illustrations by Welsh filmmaker and graphic artist; Norris Nuvo click here for N. Ireland and UK sales. If purchasing in the U.S.A. or internationally then please click here.

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My writing is not covered by Creative Commons policy and may not be republished without permission. All rights reserved. All Sensitize © Arts sponsorship donations and postal inquiries to:

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Post by joanne chapman »

Yes, but when Murphy first applied for this job, his boss asked him to start immediately, which he did.

His boss asked him to stay on site and take a delivery of shovels.

When his boss returned there were no shovels.

Murphy he said, did the delivery no turn up?

Oh yes, replied Murphy, but I sent them away because there were no instructions.
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Post by Louis P. Burns aka Lugh »

And, moving swiftly forward from this mild form of racism :P

Two hippies trippin' off the heads on halucinogenic substances (acid and shrooms) up on the roof of a block of flats. One jumps off yelling;-

"I'm an aeroplane..! Look at me flying - Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh"..!

The other hippie jumps on his back and yells;-

"This is a highjack..! Take me to the chip shop"..! 8)
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
Administrator, editor & owner of the Sensitize © online community of forums and domain for artists, e-poets, filmmakers, media/music producers and writers working through here. To buy the Kindle book of Illustrated Poetry, Sensitize © - Volume One / Poems that could be Films if they were Funded by myself with illustrations by Welsh filmmaker and graphic artist; Norris Nuvo click here for N. Ireland and UK sales. If purchasing in the U.S.A. or internationally then please click here.

ASIN B00L1RS0UI

My writing is not covered by Creative Commons policy and may not be republished without permission. All rights reserved. All Sensitize © Arts sponsorship donations and postal inquiries to:

Louis P. Burns
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Post by joanne chapman »

Mmmm, let me combine the two.

Paddy and Murphy flying a plane.

They come in to land, sweating to get on target for the runway.


They land, reverse thrust, maximum breaking, engines screaming, sweat pouring from Paddy and Murphys' foreheads.

They land safely...

'Phew, be jazuz..., that was the shortest runway I have ever seen', said Paddy.

'Yeh', said Murphy, 'and by feck it was the widest'.

No it ain't racist Mr Lugh, anyway being PC was the death of Benny Hill, so chill man. :lol:
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Post by Louis P. Burns aka Lugh »

jo wrote:Mmmm, let me combine the two.

Paddy and Murphy flying a plane.

They come in to land, sweating to get on target for the runway.


They land, reverse thrust, maximum breaking, engines screaming, sweat pouring from Paddy and Murphys' foreheads.

They land safely...

'Phew, be jazuz..., that was the shortest runway I have ever seen', said Paddy.

'Yeh', said Murphy, 'and by feck it was the widest'.

No it ain't racist Mr Lugh, anyway being PC was the death of Benny Hill, so chill man. :lol:
Jo, I don't want to get all antzy about this, but I have been in English and Scottish bars where Irishmen jokes were being told. That was what I was referring to only mate. It does get a bit fuckin' tiresome and in my travels I have discovered that it's normally brain-dead retards that tell these jokes. I don't mind a laugh, and there are many aspects of Irish life that are hilarious and deserve a good laugh. It's just that too many and it is, racist...

Benny Hill. He probably died because he was exhausted counting his Sainburys' bags full of cash... :wink:
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
Administrator, editor & owner of the Sensitize © online community of forums and domain for artists, e-poets, filmmakers, media/music producers and writers working through here. To buy the Kindle book of Illustrated Poetry, Sensitize © - Volume One / Poems that could be Films if they were Funded by myself with illustrations by Welsh filmmaker and graphic artist; Norris Nuvo click here for N. Ireland and UK sales. If purchasing in the U.S.A. or internationally then please click here.

ASIN B00L1RS0UI

My writing is not covered by Creative Commons policy and may not be republished without permission. All rights reserved. All Sensitize © Arts sponsorship donations and postal inquiries to:

Louis P. Burns
42 Farland Way
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BT48 0RS
Telephone (UK): 028 71219225


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Post by joanne chapman »

Lugh wrote:
jo wrote:Mmmm, let me combine the two.

Paddy and Murphy flying a plane.

They come in to land, sweating to get on target for the runway.


They land, reverse thrust, maximum breaking, engines screaming, sweat pouring from Paddy and Murphys' foreheads.

They land safely...

'Phew, be jazuz..., that was the shortest runway I have ever seen', said Paddy.

'Yeh', said Murphy, 'and by feck it was the widest'.

No it ain't racist Mr Lugh, anyway being PC was the death of Benny Hill, so chill man. :lol:
Jo, I don't want to get all antzy about this, but I have been in English and Scottish bars where Irishmen jokes were being told. That was what I was referring to only mate. It does get a bit fuckin' tiresome and in my travels I have discovered that it's normally brain-dead retards that tell these jokes. I don't mind a laugh, and there are many aspects of Irish life that are hilarious and deserve a good laugh. It's just that too many and it is, racist...

Benny Hill. He probably died because he was exhausted counting his Sainburys' bags full of cash... :wink:
Ironic, Benny Hill was last seen with a woman sitting on a bench, about 1/4 of a mile away from Sainsburys. So there may be some truth in that.
I loved Benny Hill and even on the rare occasion that he is on TV, he still makes me laugh. Didn't they say he offended women?!

The Irish side of our family are very wealthy and intelligent. Those jokes I have posted were told to me by Irish born people, drinking in an Irish club.

So, I'm a brain-dead retard then :lol:.....ain't categorising people just as bad. :wink:
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Post by Louis P. Burns aka Lugh »

jo wrote:
So, I'm a brain-dead retard then :lol:.....ain't categorising people just as bad. :wink:
Jo, I honestly wasn't referring to you when I said that mate. You should know by now that I'm a committed activist who has had to wade, neck-deep, through some of the scummiest bastards on the planet just to be acknowledged as an equal. Dome 2 being a classic example of supremist thinking in effect.

I was referring to loud-mouthed bigots who frequently, and on occasion with violence, have been derogatory towards the Irish... I would have equal issue with anyone stereo-typing Afro-Carribeans, Asians, Gays or ethnic / minority groups of people negatively...

Now, maybe you can see a bit clearer why I included this in the; SENSITIZE © Guidelines page.

Cheers.
Last edited by Louis P. Burns aka Lugh on Sun May 14, 2006 6:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
Administrator, editor & owner of the Sensitize © online community of forums and domain for artists, e-poets, filmmakers, media/music producers and writers working through here. To buy the Kindle book of Illustrated Poetry, Sensitize © - Volume One / Poems that could be Films if they were Funded by myself with illustrations by Welsh filmmaker and graphic artist; Norris Nuvo click here for N. Ireland and UK sales. If purchasing in the U.S.A. or internationally then please click here.

ASIN B00L1RS0UI

My writing is not covered by Creative Commons policy and may not be republished without permission. All rights reserved. All Sensitize © Arts sponsorship donations and postal inquiries to:

Louis P. Burns
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Post by joanne chapman »

Lugh wrote:
jo wrote:
So, I'm a brain-dead retard then :lol:.....ain't categorising people just as bad. :wink:
Jo, I honestly wasn't referring to you when I said that mate. You should know by now that I am a committed activist who has had to wade, neck-deep, through some of the scummiest cunts on the planet just to be acknowledged as an equal. Dome 2 being a classic example.

I was referring to loud-mouthed bigots who frequently, and sometimes with violence, were derogatory towards the Irish... I would have equal issue with anyone stereo-typing Afro-Carribean or Asians people negatively...

Cheers.
Just wiped my tears and composed myself, right ready to face the world again. :cry:

I know, just pulling ya pissa Mr Lugh :wink:

I'm only on the Baileys, wait till the JD comes out.
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Post by joanne chapman »

Bloke gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.

He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So lets talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know", says the bloke smiling. "how about nuclear power?"
"Ok," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, grass. Yet the deer excretes pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't got the slightest idea." "So tell me," says the blonde. "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power, when you don't know shit?"
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Post by joanne chapman »

Sorry to anyone that knows this old one. :wink:

A young man called paul invited his mother for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Paul's flatmate Simon was. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more to Paul and his flatmate than met the eye.

Reading his mums thoughts, Paul volunteered "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon and I are just flatmates."

About a week later, Simon came to Paul saying, "ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, You don't suppose she took it do you?"
"Well I doubt it, but i'll email her just to be sure" said Paul. He sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the frying pan from my house, I'm not saying you 'did not' take the frying pan, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love Paul

Several days later, Paul recieved an email from his mother which read:

Dear son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with simon, and i'm not saying you 'do not' sleep with simon, but the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the fucking frying pan by now.
Love Mum
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Post by Louis P. Burns aka Lugh »

Two terrorists are given a job by their commander. They have to watch a police sergeant who has been annoying everyone in the community by pulling up on the outskirts of a housing estate in a police car every night at 9.00pm, getting binoculars out and monitoring everyone.

They watch from the safety of a high-rise block of flats for 3 days and nights and sure enough, every night at 9.00pm the police sergeant pulls up and monitors everyone on the estate through binoculars.

They decide that they'll assasinate the sergeant the next night.

The next night comes around and at 9.00pm they expect to see the police sergeant but he doesn't show up.
It gets to 10.00pm and still no police sergeant.

11.00pm.

11.15pm.

11.30pm.

Nothing...

One of the terrorists turns to the other and says;-

"Jesus. I hope nothing's happened to him"..!
Last edited by Louis P. Burns aka Lugh on Mon Jun 12, 2006 9:06 am, edited 1 time in total.
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
Administrator, editor & owner of the Sensitize © online community of forums and domain for artists, e-poets, filmmakers, media/music producers and writers working through here. To buy the Kindle book of Illustrated Poetry, Sensitize © - Volume One / Poems that could be Films if they were Funded by myself with illustrations by Welsh filmmaker and graphic artist; Norris Nuvo click here for N. Ireland and UK sales. If purchasing in the U.S.A. or internationally then please click here.

ASIN B00L1RS0UI

My writing is not covered by Creative Commons policy and may not be republished without permission. All rights reserved. All Sensitize © Arts sponsorship donations and postal inquiries to:

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Post by Louis P. Burns aka Lugh »

A travelling salesman in America is getting bored with his Western life and longs for a simpler way of living. He passes by a Native American reservation and as he does he sees how peaceful everyone looks.

He drives into the nearest town and sells his entire stock of cleaning products and car to a hardware store then doubles back to the reservation. He enters it and the first thing he sees is a very old, stained teepee tent with a red painted sign outside that reads;-
  • "Big Chief Howling Wolf.
    100 years old.
    Greatest memory in the world.
    Test his memory for $1.00"...
The salesman goes into the teepee and there is an old Native American sitting cross-legged on a rug, smiling... The salesman instantly takes pity on the old man and decides to ask him an easy question as he passes his Dollar over to him.

He asks;-
  • "How many eggs did you have for breakfast this morning Chief"..?
The old chief scratches his head and mumbles a bit then finally replies;-
  • "This morning. I had 2 eggs"...
The salesman thanks him, wishes him luck and exits the teepee...

He stays on the reservation for about 8 years and marries one of the local women. They have 3 children and he learns many things about living off the land... Then, 1 day he sees an aeroplane fly overhead and begins to long for life in the fast lane once more... He explains to his wife that he must go and after many tears he departs...

As he's leaving the reservation he sees the old, familiar teepee and a new sign painted in red that says;-
  • "Big Chief Howling Wolf.
    108 years old.
    Greatest memory in the world.
    Test his memory for $3.00"...
He decides to visit the old man once more and has now learned a lot of Native American language. He hands over $3.00, holds his flattened palm facing forward and says;-
  • "How"...
The chief scratches his head, mumbles for ages then points a wise old finger and says;-
  • "Hard boiled on toast with 2 mugs of tea"... :wink:
Louis P. Burns aka Lugh
Administrator, editor & owner of the Sensitize © online community of forums and domain for artists, e-poets, filmmakers, media/music producers and writers working through here. To buy the Kindle book of Illustrated Poetry, Sensitize © - Volume One / Poems that could be Films if they were Funded by myself with illustrations by Welsh filmmaker and graphic artist; Norris Nuvo click here for N. Ireland and UK sales. If purchasing in the U.S.A. or internationally then please click here.

ASIN B00L1RS0UI

My writing is not covered by Creative Commons policy and may not be republished without permission. All rights reserved. All Sensitize © Arts sponsorship donations and postal inquiries to:

Louis P. Burns
42 Farland Way
DERRY
N. Ireland.
BT48 0RS
Telephone (UK): 028 71219225


Click here to Join Sensitize © Arts via Facebook or to contact the site owner: Louis P. Burns aka Lugh with any forum hosting or site related inquiries.
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